There is sadness in watching someone you love experiencing something painful, especially when it feels like there is nothing you can do to help. Declining mental health contributes to feelings of isolation, hopelessness, fear, and anger. It is understandable to feel helpless when the problems seem out of anyone’s control. However, supporting a loved one with mental health struggles is not an impossible battle.
Why is it important for me to help?
Remember school backpacks, carrying around heavy books, and having back pain at the end of each day? Imagine everyone carrying around their mental health in a backpack. Some people have lighter loads to carry, and others carry heavy weights all through the day. While no one else can carry someone else’s backpack for them, there are ways we can help others lighten the load or find somewhere to rest for a while. Humans thrive off community. Let's explore effective ways to assist someone in need, without the requirement of a psychology degree!
Physical Presence
There is a unique power in the simple act of being physically present that can bring healing no other words can convey. No matter what the mental health struggle may be, the common experience is loneliness. Taking time to spend with someone who is struggling is the best thing you can do. Spending time with someone does not necessarily mean planning activities or having deep conversations, although those certainly count! Spending time with someone can be as simple as sitting with someone and watching the sunset in silence. There is nothing that can replace being physically present with someone who is struggling.
Listen to Hear
When someone we love is hurting, we want to fix it. We want to offer solutions and problem-solve. Sometimes, though, mental health struggles are not an easy fix. Mental health can be complicated and messy. In problem-solving mode, we listen to respond. Unfortunately, when we listen to respond, we do not always hear what the other person is really trying to say.
When someone is sharing their emotional pain, pause. This may be the only time they share with someone how they are truly feeling. It can be very scary to be vulnerable and share feelings with other people in case they might be judged. No matter how unintentional, interrupting them with a potential solution while they are sharing may have the opposite effect you intended. Active listening means really hearing them while being physically present promotes feelings of safety and calm.
Determine What They Need
Sometimes, people just want a safe space to be heard and are not looking for specific advice. Other times, they want your opinion. Ask them, “Do you need support or advice?” This puts both of you in the right headspace to communicate effectively.
Often, we tell others to let us know if they need anything. When someone is really struggling with mental health, they might not know what they need or what to ask for. Even if they need specific things, they might not know how to ask or feel like a burden for doing so. If you see a need that you can help with, do not ask. Just do.
For example, if your loved one has been too depressed to cook and is barely eating, make them a meal with leftovers. If your loved one has not cleaned in months, volunteer to help (if they agree)! They may be lonely, so you call them for a check-in every couple of days. See the need and be part of the solution.
What if they do not want my help?
Good question! Some mental health struggles are more severe than others, and your loved one may not want help. They may believe there is nothing wrong with them and would rather be left alone. So, how can you help?
Assess the Severity
If your loved one engages in dangerous behavior, the time for talking may be over. It is a tough spot to be in, but getting your loved one out of an unsafe situation is the top priority. Depending on the severity and the risk to their safety or that of others, you may have to call in reinforcements, such as other family members, or mobile crisis (Tenessee Mobile Crisis) if the risk is imminent. They may be angry at you or say that you broke their trust. A reminder that you would much rather your loved one be angry at you and SAFE than have them still be in danger. It is not tattle-telling; it is potentially saving a life.
If the problem is not as severe, let them know that you are here for support if they choose to reach out. Always keep that door open if it is not negatively affecting your own mental health. Setting boundaries to help your own mental health is just as important as helping someone else.
Bridging the Gap
At the end of the day, being vulnerable is hard. There is vulnerability in seeking help, and there is also vulnerability as the helper. It can be uncomfortable to support someone when you do not fully understand. It is so important to keep lines of communication open so that the stigma of mental health continues to go down. So many still hide their struggles because of judgment. All people want a safe place to rest and to be accepted. When we advocate for ourselves and others, it helps to bridge the gap between understanding and fear of what we do not understand.
